Monday, September 12, 2011

My Bundle Of Joy.


A bundle of poop? Yes.

A bundle of tears? Yes.

A bundle of diapers and laundry? Most definitely.

I forgot what it’s like to have a new born.

Feeling like a cow.

Not being able to keep up with the messes.

Changing ANOTHER diaper.

I had a breakdown the other day. I’m embarrassed but can now talk about it without bursting into tears. Matt had to come home early from school to save me (or the kids...) and I felt awful to ask such a thing... but I really forgot what this stage is like.

As I was being screamed at, the phrase, “bundle of joy” went through my head. I think whoever said that never had a newborn.

After Matt got home I left the house for some me time. (Isn’t he the best husband ever?) I went for a massage, got adjusted at the chiropractor, went to McDonalds... It was awesome and it gave me some time to think. And not just time.... QUIET time. I started to feel a bit guilty for the mom I was today. And I still do. But this passes. Right? Right??

I remembered a book I read last May called The Hand That First Held Mine. (Don’t read it on account of me saying that I read it. It’s.... questionable at times...) It goes through Lexi’s life starting when she was a teenager. She falls in love, moves away, makes questionable decisions... and she becomes a journalist! She wrote an article later on in her life about being a mom:

“We change shape...we buy low-heeled shoes, we cut off our long hair. We begin to carry in our bags half-eaten rusks, a small tractor, a shred of beloved fabric, a plastic doll. We lose muscle tone, sleep, reason, perspective. Our hearts begin to live outside our bodies. They breath, they eat, they crawl and - look! - they walk, they begin to speak to us. We learn that we must sometimes walk an inch at a time, to stop and examine every stick, every stone, every squashed tin along the way. We get used to not getting where we were going. We learn to darn, perhaps to cook, to patch the knees of dungarees. We get used to living with a love that suffuses us, suffocates us, blinds us, controls us. We live. We contemplate our bodies, our stretched skin, those threads of silver around our brows, our strangely enlarged feet. We learn to look less in the mirror. We put our dry-clean-only clothes to the back of the wardrobe. Eventually, we throw them away. We school ourselves to stop saying. ‘[crap]’ and ‘[darn]’ and learn to say ‘my goodness’ and ‘heavens above’. We give up smoking, we colour our hair, we search the vistas of parks, swimming-pools, libraries, cafes for others of our kind. We know each other by our pushchairs, our sleepless gazes, the beakers we carry. We learn how to cool a fever, ease a cough, the four indicators of meningitis, that one must sometimes push a swing for two hours. We buy biscuit cutters, washable paints, aprons, plastic bowls. We no longer tolerate delayed buses, fighting in the street, smoking in restaurants, sex after midnight, inconsistency, laziness, being cold. We contemplate younger women as they pass us in the street, with their cigarettes, their makeup, their tight-seamed dresses, their tiny handbags, their smooth, washed hair, and we turn away, we put down our heads, we keep on pushing the pram up the hill.”

Look at him!

I’d never give up my huge purse life. Ever.


  1. Sheesh! You're going to make me cry. For many reasons though. That whole slew that you quoted was perfectly said, I think. So sad how our bodies change and our life and life style will never really be the same ever AGAIN! But, it's so worth it. But darn those hard days/weeks/months! Sheesh! I hate those break downs but you have to know that you are not alone in those feelings! I screamed multiple times. Out loud! In the bathroom by myself. It is hard. Some days are awesome. And some days are crap! (Sheesh, I already wrote "darn" and "crap!" Good thing my kids aren't around to read it! If they could read....). Next time call me to watch the kiddos if you need a break during the day! I am offering only because I know what you are going through... AND because my niece and nephew are the cutest!

  2. OH T.... You are a good mom..... I'm impressed with your motherly skills. I told my mom the other day that I thought you are a tough pig....that's the highest of all burnham compliments. You are a trooper and keep trekin even when it seems unbearable. I hope one day I'll have a kid...but if I'm not aloud or that opportunity doesn't come....then remember....the closer you live to me....the more I can babysit....just sayin....(that's the hint to move closer)

  3. Tarilyn,
    I really appreciate your post and those newborn baby feelings and overwhelmed feelings that come in the circumstances of being a mother of more than one small child. It took me back instantly. The quote was so true to life.

    All these years later, now my baby Macy is in her first year of high school and I miss those sweet moments snuggling a newborn and trying to take care of the needs of my young busy children. On this end the years seem to have flown by and I miss some of the sweetest moments of my life.

    I actually have to think really hard to remember the poopy diapers, lost shoes & socks, sleepless nights and evenings trying to soothe a crying baby,a 2 year olds food spills & messes, etc. Asking for help shows that you are strong (not weak)and know that you need to take care of you so you can take care of everyone else.

    I love and admire the good mother that you are. Hang in there and be sure to have a regularly scheduled 'me' quiet time to recover and then go back into the race of a mom.

  4. So random, came across your blog..

    Feeling the exact same way! Although it's not the newborn that's driving me nuts... it's the screaming, hitting, fist-clenching 2-year-old!!!! I've definitely awarded myself the title of "worst mom ever" a couple times this month. Had a few good cry sessions too, so you're not the only one!! Good luck, and congrats on your new bebito!

  5. Oh Tarilyn, just barely left the newborn stage myself with Cali and know exactly how you feel. Dustin read over my shoulder as I was reading and said "Hey, do you feel better now. You're not the only one!" Now, my favorite time of the week is Saturday mornings when Dustin is watching Cali and I can have a LONG HOT SHOWER! Who knew a shower would end up being my favorite "me time" moment. Hang in there and call anytime you wanna play!

  6. I know EXACTLY how you feel. Feeling like CRAP and feeling guilty for not appreciating your bundle of joy to the fullest. Newborns are stinking hard.
    Breaks are good. I'm glad you have a good husband who understands and is there for you.

  7. What a cutie. Awesome post. That quote is perfect. Keep up the good work woman. Some day he'll thank you and you'll remember these times, and it will all be a million times worth it. Or at least that's what I tell myself. :)

  8. You're kids are so perfect! I just love them SO MUCH! IT was so nice to see you and your beautiful family!